“Let me whisper it sex, sex, sex. Nobody mentioned it, there wasn’t a guide book for how to get your groove back or how to keep the mood light when even the thought of being turned on makes your breasts leak milk.”
Having children is a blast. As a mother of four I can say it has brought some of the happiest and most joyful moments of my life. With each child I changed, navigating the treacherous roads of the first 6 weeks and surviving the aftermath of pregnancy. But there was one thing that never seemed to change, something that after each child became all but a thing of the past and something my body seemed to forget how to do. It wasn’t exactly a topic of conversation when you met with other mums at the park or at your local mother and baby group.
Just a polite trigger warning because this could get personal. Let me whisper it sex, sex, sex. Nobody mentioned it, there wasn’t a guide book for how to get your groove back or how to keep the mood light when even the thought of being turned on makes your breasts leak milk. I for one sometimes found the idea of being intimate with my partner after having a child a cringe worthy idea. But why? I mean the reason we make children in the first place is because of all the sex.
After birth your body changes, you had a tenant residing in you for months and after that you have a child, a 24hour around the clock alarm that literally has no snooze button and doesn’t understand the concept of ‘alone time.’ There has been a monumental shift physically and, whether you’ve given birth, adopted or used a surrogate, in your life. How that impacts your sex life should be talked about.
So, then comes the question “can I even be kinky anymore?” I am a mum now. Surely I cannot just be expected to go to work all day, wash dishes, prepare meals and talk baby language to my new bundle of joy.So, let’s be clear, being kinky is a must. It’s not only a release of frustration and tension but also a moment of intimacy and closeness with your partner.
Trust me when I say that you are not alone when it comes to struggling with physical intimacy after kids, from the married couples, to the long term relationships, to those for whom “it’s complicated,” it is apparent just how much or how little time we have for each other. Intimacy is something that is often put to the back of our minds, especially in the wake of children. Sometimes we forget that we need dedicated time together to make us feel like we have unloaded and reset.
After kids you are forced to understand and carefully consider what it is you require sexually and intimately, both on a mental and physical level. Being kinky and indulgent of each others needs and wants is always important and having a conversation where you can both be open and honest on how you are feeling sets the tone perfectly.
Pregnancy is miraculous but let’s be real it’s also blood, guts and genitalia. It’s okay to take time to adjust to your body and consider what your mental outlook now is on intimacy and being a parent and what that looks like. Lets not forget the internal identity battle that we all often face defining ourselves as parents, individuals and as a couple. A big part of the loss of intimacy and “kinkiness” is the loss of a sense “us,” feeling like we have to submit to only being a parent and that everything else is secondary to that.
The conversation should be limitless and all boundaries and feelings laid bare on the table so you and your partner can truly understand each other’s thoughts and feelings to better create an open, sexually intimate and kinky environment.
Constantly being labelled and forced to remain and act according to the title of “mum,” when who you were before and the needs you had, and still have, also matter and need to be met. I never understood hesitant behaviour around the subject of sex and intimacy in a room full of women. For me, there’s no better conversation than that of how to spice things up over a cup of your favourite hot drink or wine.
So let’s talk tips and tricks, tried and tested (by yours truly)…
Number One: Scheduling
As unsexy as that sounds, scheduling becomes your best friend when you are juggling work, children and a stress free household.
The random moments of kinkiness are few and far between. Any free moment you can pencil in has to be jumped at and grabbed with both hands.
Working this out together can even be fun, discussing or pre-planning kinky endeavours, and sexting about the upcoming event is foreplay before the foreplay.
I personally have a trigger smell that lets my husband know that sex is on the agenda for the evening. Jo Malone Peony and Blush Suede gets me feeling good and has his head spinning. So, you could try investing in something that gives your partner the go ahead, that the children need to be in bed on time and the TV off, because we are having some us time. This could be sexy underwear, perfume, whatever makes you feel good basically, it could be binge watching Bridgerton (if that’s your vibe).
Your partner can also embark on the above and do small things to show care and love. Whether it be cooking your favourite meal or running you a bath with your favourite music playing in the background. It never hurts to have face-time before that long meeting and blow virtual kisses because we all need that playfulness sometimes. It is up to you and your partner to bounce off each other, as well as taking turns in taking the lead .
Number Two: Date
Continue to date each other. Date with the same energy and vigour in your step that you had when you first met because as much as being a parent can be nice, when sexy time is on the horizon those children can become a mood killer.
Of course in the midst of lockdowns and pandemics it can be hard to separate parenting and date nights, but this is also a good time to become extra experimental with what you can do at home.
You could arrange a picnic in your bedroom, have a ‘no screens’ night where you talk, or play card games with high stakes (loser loses clothes maybe?).
Sex toy sales are through the roof right now for a reason and listening, watching or reading eroticia that turns you both on is fun. Books by the author Zane and Eric Jerome-Dickey set the mood and the tone. Google is our best friend right now so get creative and get searching Apps. Letsemjoy have great sex stories you can listen to as a couple (or throuple if that’s your set up).
Number Three: Get Technical
Kinkiness isn’t just fixed to actual physical interaction, we have evolved! Smartphones are a thing of such great use. The dirty texts you can send, the ‘you can see a little but not all’ kind of pictures you can both send in between working, house work, cooking and tending to the kids.
Lets keep it kinky and classy, and sometimes a little nasty:
Nobody really thinks the intense romance and energy they share with their partner can disappear but a child can make you question all of that and have to examine and reevaluate exactly what getting intimate means now. For some being kinky and being open is still a conversation that has not been normalised and makes them feel uncomfortable even though 100 million copies of “Fifty Shades of Grey” were sold. Yet as parents we can all agree that this is an issue we will all have faced at some point in our parenting journey.
We all hope for and imagine that being kinky and sexually free will just happen naturally and return after having kids without any extra stress or difficult conversations, but sometimes that is just not the case. Without risking intimacy becoming routine and a chore, let’s feel comfortable about having conversations and opening the door to sharing more kinky moments with our partner after we become parents.
Take the time to enjoy being a parent and embrace motherhood, but also embrace the person that you were before you became a mum. The person that enjoyed sharing intimate, kinky and sometimes downright filthy moments with their partner.
So, to answer the question, you most certainly can be kinky after you have kids, after all it’s because of that kinkiness that they came about.
